When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
