my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
