My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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