Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
