i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
