We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
