I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
