yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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