My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i will never coherently bang her
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
