He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
