Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
