Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
