Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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