No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
