I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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