Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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