The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
