so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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