Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
