He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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