I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
