i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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