I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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