someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize