Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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