Im at strip club and am horny
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
