I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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