I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
