Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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