Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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