my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
