i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
