I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
