So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
