Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
