$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This is my gift to your gina
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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