Dude my mom stole all your condoms
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
