you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
