just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize