Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
