If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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