You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm really busy with my period
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