my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
