Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize