genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
