Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
