Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
