Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I got inside last night via doggy door
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
