I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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