please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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