The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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