Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
