Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
