the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
