There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
