Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
