i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
