I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
