Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
