you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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