had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
