what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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