I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
