mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
