yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Alive.
So much puke
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize