there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
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