You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
