We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
